You bought a plant to make your apartment feel alive. It worked a little too well. If your plant has been acting strange lately, it might not be dying. It might be pivoting.
1. It only grows when someone is photographing it
You’ve noticed new leaves appear the morning after you post it. When you went three weeks without a photo, it dropped a leaf. Not from lack of water. As a statement.
2. It has a “good side”
You’ve tried to rotate it for even light. It keeps ending up facing the same way, toward the ring light you bought for video calls. That isn’t phototropism. That’s angling.
3. It’s started collaborating with the throw pillows
Every photo now features the plant beside the same two pillows, in what can only be described as an aesthetic. The pillows were not consulted about this. They seem fine with it.
4. It got a little cocky after a friend called it “thriving”
Since then it’s been unbearable. Pushing out aerial roots no one asked for. Leaning into conversations. Taking up the whole windowsill like it pays rent.
5. It’s been “taking a break” from the snake plant
They used to sit together. Now the snake plant is in the bathroom. You don’t remember moving it. Neither, it seems, does the snake plant.
6. It has developed a mysterious, aspirational backstory
When guests ask about it, you somehow find yourself saying it was “rescued from a closing nursery in Portland.” You bought it at a grocery store in Ohio. You don’t know why you keep saying Portland. The plant does.
7. It’s dropping hints about a product line
Two of its cuttings are now rooting in a glass by the sink, which is how every lifestyle brand starts. By spring, there will be a “starter kit,” a matching pot, and a newsletter. You’ll be listed as “co-founder.” You will receive no equity.